The North Star Within: How Self-Reflection Shapes What We Expect and Who We Become
Growing up, my parents gave me one of the greatest gifts an aspiring artist could ask for. As my path toward a career in music grew more serious, their only expectation was, "do your best." They didn't place the weight of specific outcomes on me; they empowered me by trusting my process.
That single piece of advice planted a seed that has grown into the core of my personal philosophy: the most important expectations to manage are our own. It all begins with self-reflection—a quiet, continuous conversation with yourself that acts as a north star, guiding you through the unpredictable territory between your dreams and your daily reality.
This internal dialogue helps us navigate the crucial distinction between our aspirations and our expectations. It is perfectly fine, and even necessary, to have high aspirations—to see a peak in the distance and decide you want to climb it. But our expectations must be more flexible; they are the path we walk day-to-day, and that path is rarely a straight line.
I think back to when I wanted to attend the Interlochen Arts Camp and Academy almost 30 years ago. The aspiration was clear and compelling, and it was a time when it made sense to go all-in. I was admitted to the Academy a few weeks into the summer camp and had to scramble to make it a reality. I remember constantly contacting the admissions office to ask for more scholarship money; the stress and uncertainty felt all-consuming. It was only through a combination of my own relentless effort and the incredible generosity of others that I was able to attend. That experience taught me that we should absolutely strive fully towards compelling opportunities, pouring our energy into those high aspirations.
At the same time, I remember moments when I considered staying home to enjoy my senior year of high school. I had to be honest with myself about what I truly wanted and what I was willing to do to get there. It’s okay to have a strong belief in a goal, but it's vital to be able to separate that belief from your identity. If Interlochen hadn't worked out, it would not have made me less of a person or a musician.
This is where patience and flexibility become our greatest allies. The overall goal is to achieve sustained growth over a prolonged period, and that requires adapting to the terrain that lies before you. Life sometimes requires us to recalibrate our expectations day to day, hour to hour, even moment to moment. A health flare-up, a family need, or an unexpected setback can demand an immediate shift in focus. You can see how my family has navigated this in real-time when we developed our practice of “Fifteen-Fifteen Time” to preserve our connection amidst chaos.
In those moments of recalibration, the most powerful tool is your own intuition. Trust your gut—you will feel if an expectation serves you or not. Does it align with your values and your current situation? If not, give yourself permission to adjust it and proceed accordingly.
This isn’t failure; it's wisdom. It’s acknowledging where you are, not where you think you “should” be. You can read more about how I use this principle to find my way through challenges in my post on creating my own North Star.
If you know me well, you’ve heard me use the phrase “It’s all good.” Growing up in Seattle, I remember Sonics point guard Gary Payton using it and it became a personal mantra.
It doesn’t mean you’re denying that a situation is difficult. For me, it has come to mean: “I am acknowledging the reality of this moment, I am accepting it without judgment, and I am choosing to operate with the faith that things will move in the right direction.” It’s a way of giving yourself grace, of acknowledging your own humanity when you make a mistake or when things don’t go as planned. It’s a foundational piece for embracing momentum when opportunities arise.
This journey of self-reflection is the very first step, a topic I began exploring in my first blog post. By mastering our internal dialogue, we build a resilient foundation for everything that follows.
A Look Ahead:
This deep dive into self-reflection is just the beginning. In my next post, I’ll explore how we can expand this mindful approach to our interactions with others, using clear communication to navigate conflicting expectations in our relationships.
Following that, we’ll get practical with specific frameworks designed to help you build momentum and get things done, especially when you feel overwhelmed.
Let’s continue this conversation in the comments. Here are a few questions to get us started:
When was the last time you checked in with yourself about an expectation? Did it feel energizing or draining?
Think of a high aspiration you have. What is one small, flexible expectation you can set for yourself this week to move toward it?
How can you practice giving yourself grace today if something doesn't go exactly as planned?
